Advantages of Being a Man
July 22, 2009
Advantages of being a man are numerous. For thousands of years men have controlled both government and religion. That’s not to say men are better by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just to say they’ve been in control.And that’s not to say many men are just simply plain stupider than doorknobs; it’s just to say they’ve been in control because there are advantages to being a man.
A friend sent me these advantages so I do not claim ownership to these ideas. I just thought you might like to know about them.
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack
You can never be pregnant
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt (unless you’re a member of Congress)
The world is your urinal(continued below right after you buy or, at least, look at whatever is advertised next)
Same work (or less), more pay
Wrinkles add character
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
A five-day holiday (vacation) requires only one suitcase
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Your underwear is $7.50 for a three-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons
You can do your nails with a pocket knife
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes
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Funny Newspaper Headlines
July 17, 2009
Newspaper Headline Editor Wanted: Must be breathing and have at least once walked within 200 feet of a school. I remember a time when newspapers had a section everyone referred to as "the funny papers" or "the funnies." You could find Beetle Bailey and a whole host of short comics that would bring a smile to your face.
Today, you don’t need a comic section. The current crop of headline editors give us plenty to smile about. Now, and this is important, if the headline is actually based on the story, you just gotta wonder about what the story says. However, not having the inclination to actually read newspapers any more since all the best stuff is on the Internet, I freely admit to reading only these headlines that I found on the Internet.
So, without further ado, let’s get on to these tidbits of buffoonery.
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
I’m believin’ it’s the other half of U. S. High Schools where headline editors walked.
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
If this is really true, then those policemen walked along with the headline editors as they passed within 200 feet of a school.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
I wonder if that would apply to a heat wave as well.
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It Could Last Awhile
I wonder if the headline editors are the ones on strike. That could explain a lot.
Pastor aghast at first lady sex position
You know, I once heard a pastor tell someone that ought not to be inquiring about other men’s wives when someone asked where Cain got his. Then along comes this pastor expressing his views about the sex position of another man’s wife. And that, of course, brings up a whole ‘nother question about how the pastor made such a ghastly discovery.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Now here’s the job I want: Expert Plane Crash Figure-Outer. I can see it all now. First of all, I gotta have a couple hunnert thousand dollars a year because it’s such an important job. "Uncle Brice, do you know why this plane crashed?" "Yes, sir. I do. After careful investigation of the hole in the ground and walking within 200 feet of the black box, I have determined that the dang thing fell out of the sky."
Woman improving after fatal crash
I don’t rightly know what to say about this. But I’m sure glad for the woman. (continued below right after you buy or, at least, look at whatever is advertised next)
Stray bullet killed one bystander slightly
I guess gettin’ kilt slightly is like sorta getting pregnant. But I defer all questions about how to get pregnant and have a baby with no one knowing about it to a recently former governor from a state that is not among those called contiguous and the name therefore, wherewith and whyfor, begins with the letter A.
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Once agin I find myself at a loss for words.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
You know, over in west Arkansas is the site of ol’ Hanging Judge Parker’s courthouse, and the gallows are still there. Shooting, I guess, is another option and it would certainly help reduce the prison population.
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Wisdom of Benjamin Franklin
May 12, 2009
Benjamin Franklin is one of America’s Founding Fathers. He died April 17, 1790, less than one year after George Washington was sworn in as our nation’s first president. Certainly there are other Founding Fathers about which most of us know very little. Franklin stands out because he lived what he wrote, "If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing."
At age 12 he began an apprenticeship at his brother’s printing business in Boston but left his family at age 17 and moved to Philadelphia. The following year he moved to London to continue his training as a printer. At age 23 he was back in Philadelphia and owner of the Pennsylvania Gazette.
Three years later Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard: An Almanack, which he published for 26 years. During that time he also served as Postmaster of Philadelphia, proposed the creation of the University of Pennsylvania, founded the first American fire insurance company and flew a kite. And I’ll betcha a dime to a donut that more people know about the kite-flying than anything else he did. Sadder still is the number of people who look at a $100 bill and say, "Who’s that old man?" Others may see the Nehru-style collar and long hair and think he’s from the 1960’s instead of the 1760’s.
A Favorite Ben Franklin Quote
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." (continued below)
Direct From the Horse’s ***
I’ll allow you intelligent people to decide which end of the horse applies. Ben Franklin would have been proud.
Cows pass carbon dioxide when "they do what they do"? Well, let’s see what the folks over at Pop Culture said about it.
And, finally, another example of my favorite quote of ME, "Those who fail to learn from history are stupid."
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Kids Still Say the Darndest Things
April 29, 2009
Art Linkletter and his very entertaining television show are long gone, but kids saying the darndest things will always be around. Did you see this one that supposedly written by a preschool teacher? Now, I say supposedly written because I didn’t know preschoolers could write. That’s probably part of what’s wrong with our education system: they got preschoolers teaching.
Anyhow, this one little boy pointed at a picture book and hollered, “A Fricken Elephant!”
The teacher (and I don’t know if this was a real teacher or one of them preschool teachers) replied a mightly quickly, “Danny Quayle Junior the Third! What did you say?”
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“It’s A Fricken elephant!”, he repeated. “It says so in the book.”
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Thanks goodness for Hooked on Phonics!
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