Funny Newspaper Headlines
July 17, 2009
Newspaper Headline Editor Wanted: Must be breathing and have at least once walked within 200 feet of a school. I remember a time when newspapers had a section everyone referred to as "the funny papers" or "the funnies." You could find Beetle Bailey and a whole host of short comics that would bring a smile to your face.
Today, you don’t need a comic section. The current crop of headline editors give us plenty to smile about. Now, and this is important, if the headline is actually based on the story, you just gotta wonder about what the story says. However, not having the inclination to actually read newspapers any more since all the best stuff is on the Internet, I freely admit to reading only these headlines that I found on the Internet.
So, without further ado, let’s get on to these tidbits of buffoonery.
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
I’m believin’ it’s the other half of U. S. High Schools where headline editors walked.
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
If this is really true, then those policemen walked along with the headline editors as they passed within 200 feet of a school.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
I wonder if that would apply to a heat wave as well.
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It Could Last Awhile
I wonder if the headline editors are the ones on strike. That could explain a lot.
Pastor aghast at first lady sex position
You know, I once heard a pastor tell someone that ought not to be inquiring about other men’s wives when someone asked where Cain got his. Then along comes this pastor expressing his views about the sex position of another man’s wife. And that, of course, brings up a whole ‘nother question about how the pastor made such a ghastly discovery.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Now here’s the job I want: Expert Plane Crash Figure-Outer. I can see it all now. First of all, I gotta have a couple hunnert thousand dollars a year because it’s such an important job. "Uncle Brice, do you know why this plane crashed?" "Yes, sir. I do. After careful investigation of the hole in the ground and walking within 200 feet of the black box, I have determined that the dang thing fell out of the sky."
Woman improving after fatal crash
I don’t rightly know what to say about this. But I’m sure glad for the woman. (continued below right after you buy or, at least, look at whatever is advertised next)
Stray bullet killed one bystander slightly
I guess gettin’ kilt slightly is like sorta getting pregnant. But I defer all questions about how to get pregnant and have a baby with no one knowing about it to a recently former governor from a state that is not among those called contiguous and the name therefore, wherewith and whyfor, begins with the letter A.
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Once agin I find myself at a loss for words.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
You know, over in west Arkansas is the site of ol’ Hanging Judge Parker’s courthouse, and the gallows are still there. Shooting, I guess, is another option and it would certainly help reduce the prison population.
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