Daily Humor to Make You Smile P. 2
January 23, 2010
Daily Humor to Make You Smile introduced Richard and Terry a while back as well as a few of their friends. Well, let me tell you about the time Terry dressed up Richard as Santa Claus and took him to the mall. Richard sat there chatting with the kids while Terry snapped photos of Santa and the Kid, plus a few additional photos of the young moms accompanying them. You just gotta know Terry to understand. Well, let me put it this way. You just got to know a little something about men. ‘Nuff said.
Well, this one little girl crawled up on Santa’s lap and said she wanted a little brother for Christmas. So Santa (Richard) whispered to her. "Tell your mom to come see me in a minute."
That last story reminds me of Richard and Terry’s friend John. Now you gotta understand that John lives in a small one-horse town in Mississippi just outside Tunica. The receptionist’s desk at the doctor’s office sits in the middle of the waiting room, and there’s no such thing as privacy when talking to the young lady. If that wasn’t enough, she always asks probing questions. So Ol’ John heads up to the doc’s office because he’s having a pretty serious problem.
Sure enough, the young lady looks up and asks, "What are you seeing the doctor about today?"
John answered, "My penis."
You shoulda seen the look of horror that crossed that little filly’s face. "Sir, we’d prefer you be a little more discreet."
John answered, "I ain’t the one who asked the question."
"But, sir," she protested. "You should have said something like, My arm. Then when you got into the doctor’s office you could have talked to him in private." Well, Ol’ John walked out of the office, only to return a few minutes later.
"I need to see the doctor," he said.
"What are you seeing the doctor for today?" the girl asked.
"My arm," he replied.
She smiled at how well the man had followed her advice. "What’s wrong with your arm?" she asked, to which he replied, "I’m having trouble pissing out of it."
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Terry and Richard have a friend they call Buddy. I’m not sure anybody knows his real name; he’s just been called Buddy for as long as anyone can remember. Well, Buddy was a victim of corporate greed and watched his job get shipped overseas. What with hundreds of thousands of people losing their job, he simply could not find work of any kind. One day he was standing just outside the labor office and heard people talking about a medical testing company that was looking for test subjects. He got the address and hurried over.
The lady behind the desk looks ol’ Buddy up and down. Then she says, "We only have one test available at the moment. And it’s for men who will mate with gorillas. There’s a fee of $500."
Buddy thought about it for a moment or two. Then he said, "Okay, I’ll do it under three conditions. First, absolutely no one can ever find out I did it. Second, if there is any offspring I want to know that they will be treated humanely. Third, I’ve been off work for several months, so it’s gonna take me some time to come up with the money."
Terry and Richard had been out one night doing some serious damage to the countie’s supply of beer. They flipped a coin to see who would drive home, and Terry won the honor.
He’d driven only two blocks when blue lights began flashing behind him. He pulled over and told Richard, "Keep quiet. I’ll do all the talking ’cause your drunker than me." Richard nodded just as the officer tapped on the driver’s window.
Terry opened the window to see a petite, busty female cop. As explained previously about men, he smiled.
"Sir, would you get out of the car please?" she said.
"Yes, m’am," Terry answered in his best drunk voice. "Anything for you, young lady."
The officer held up her hand. "Sir, I need to tell you that anything you say can and will be held against you."
Terry thought for a moment and said, "Breasts."
Tom the Traveler is another friend of Terry and Richard. They call him the Traveler because he goes to some of the hottest spots in the world for vacation, and he does it every year. Well, the guys wanted to know how he managed to do it.
Tom said, "Well, truth be told, it was a very bad idea. You guys remember that last year it was Hawaii." They nodded. "Well, got back and the wife was pregnant. The year before that it was Paris. Got back and the wife was pregnant. The year before that it was Amsterdam. Got back and the wife was pregnant."
Richard said, "Well, Tom, that sounds like some pretty successful vacations to me. What are you going to do different?"
Tom stretched his back, looked at Terry, than back at Richard. "This year I’m taking the wife with me."
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Advantages of Being a Man
July 22, 2009
Advantages of being a man are numerous. For thousands of years men have controlled both government and religion. That’s not to say men are better by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just to say they’ve been in control.And that’s not to say many men are just simply plain stupider than doorknobs; it’s just to say they’ve been in control because there are advantages to being a man.
A friend sent me these advantages so I do not claim ownership to these ideas. I just thought you might like to know about them.
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack
You can never be pregnant
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt (unless you’re a member of Congress)
The world is your urinal(continued below right after you buy or, at least, look at whatever is advertised next)
Same work (or less), more pay
Wrinkles add character
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
A five-day holiday (vacation) requires only one suitcase
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Your underwear is $7.50 for a three-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons
You can do your nails with a pocket knife
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes
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Funny Newspaper Headlines
July 17, 2009
Newspaper Headline Editor Wanted: Must be breathing and have at least once walked within 200 feet of a school. I remember a time when newspapers had a section everyone referred to as "the funny papers" or "the funnies." You could find Beetle Bailey and a whole host of short comics that would bring a smile to your face.
Today, you don’t need a comic section. The current crop of headline editors give us plenty to smile about. Now, and this is important, if the headline is actually based on the story, you just gotta wonder about what the story says. However, not having the inclination to actually read newspapers any more since all the best stuff is on the Internet, I freely admit to reading only these headlines that I found on the Internet.
So, without further ado, let’s get on to these tidbits of buffoonery.
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
I’m believin’ it’s the other half of U. S. High Schools where headline editors walked.
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
If this is really true, then those policemen walked along with the headline editors as they passed within 200 feet of a school.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
I wonder if that would apply to a heat wave as well.
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It Could Last Awhile
I wonder if the headline editors are the ones on strike. That could explain a lot.
Pastor aghast at first lady sex position
You know, I once heard a pastor tell someone that ought not to be inquiring about other men’s wives when someone asked where Cain got his. Then along comes this pastor expressing his views about the sex position of another man’s wife. And that, of course, brings up a whole ‘nother question about how the pastor made such a ghastly discovery.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Now here’s the job I want: Expert Plane Crash Figure-Outer. I can see it all now. First of all, I gotta have a couple hunnert thousand dollars a year because it’s such an important job. "Uncle Brice, do you know why this plane crashed?" "Yes, sir. I do. After careful investigation of the hole in the ground and walking within 200 feet of the black box, I have determined that the dang thing fell out of the sky."
Woman improving after fatal crash
I don’t rightly know what to say about this. But I’m sure glad for the woman. (continued below right after you buy or, at least, look at whatever is advertised next)
Stray bullet killed one bystander slightly
I guess gettin’ kilt slightly is like sorta getting pregnant. But I defer all questions about how to get pregnant and have a baby with no one knowing about it to a recently former governor from a state that is not among those called contiguous and the name therefore, wherewith and whyfor, begins with the letter A.
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Once agin I find myself at a loss for words.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
You know, over in west Arkansas is the site of ol’ Hanging Judge Parker’s courthouse, and the gallows are still there. Shooting, I guess, is another option and it would certainly help reduce the prison population.
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What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up
May 20, 2009
How many times does a child hear that question: what do you want to be when you grow up? Little boys want to be firemen, policemen, soldiers or a superman-like crime fighter. Perhaps a Ninja Turtle? Sports star? Rarely does a kid want to be an accountant or a clerk or bag groceries.
Little girls want to be a princess. Funny thing is, most of ‘em turn out to be just that…, you know, to us guys who know they control the world and dispense the good things to those currently in their favor. Oh, how we want to be in their favor!
Of course, things change for the kiddies after age three or four and they start to get more serious about stuff. Back in the day, kids didn’t have to make up their minds until they, at least, were teenagers. I remember walking across the football field with my date at the Senior Prom to a feller holding a microphone. He asked what I planned to do. I looked at the date on my arm and resisted saying what was on my mind, blurting out some respectable-type job.
Little kids are more observant today, I think. After all the attention devoted to Barack Obama’s election, a whole bunch of kids now wanted to be president. But I’ve never heard of a child wanting to be a scum-of-the-earth lobbyist. Whatever happened to wanting to be like dad or be like mom?
Well, I discovered one little girl who was so inspired by her mommy that she decided to tell the whole world. (continued below)
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Who wouldn’t want a lot of men giving them money? This young lady knows what it’s all about. She may have already figured out the power of being a woman.
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Kids Still Say the Darndest Things
April 29, 2009
Art Linkletter and his very entertaining television show are long gone, but kids saying the darndest things will always be around. Did you see this one that supposedly written by a preschool teacher? Now, I say supposedly written because I didn’t know preschoolers could write. That’s probably part of what’s wrong with our education system: they got preschoolers teaching.
Anyhow, this one little boy pointed at a picture book and hollered, “A Fricken Elephant!”
The teacher (and I don’t know if this was a real teacher or one of them preschool teachers) replied a mightly quickly, “Danny Quayle Junior the Third! What did you say?”
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“It’s A Fricken elephant!”, he repeated. “It says so in the book.”
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Thanks goodness for Hooked on Phonics!
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